Ben's cheating has destroyed my self esteem and made me forever unable to trust Ben. It has made me feel an insane amount of shame. But what weighs me down the most is the feeling that I have lost my past. .
What I miss most is a past I can think back on fondly. When I look at pictures of the kids when they were young, I forget the tantrums, the tiredness, the demands they put on me...I forget all this. When I look at pictures of them young all the comes back to me are a flood of happy memories. It is so amazing. I just love looking at pictures of them when they were young.
But my past with Ben doesn't feel like that. When I think back to our life together, to the houses we built, to the trips we took, to the things we did together, to the conversations, to anything that involved Ben...it is completely tainted by bad thoughts. Not about bad things from the time. But things I now wonder. Horrible things I wonder about... like what was really going on in Ben's mind, what he was thinking when he said something. When I see pictures of Ben, the thoughts are not happy...instead I wonder what he is thinking about.
I feel like my past was a joke. Our marriage a farce.
This is the hardest part for me. It is like that feeling when you are standing on a rug. You are standing steady and sure. But you lose total control when someone yanks the rug out below you. That best describle how I feel about my past....like someone pulled out the rug and I lost every bit of control I thought I had.
I use to spend most of my life thinking about the future...tomorrow, next week, next year...I use to live today constantly as preparation for the future. But now I honestly don't really care about my future. My future really doesn't seem important anymore. When our checking account goes $1000 in the hole...I really don't care...The future is meaningless to me now.
I just want my past back...more than anything else.
Gennifer
ReplyDeleteI am astounded that no one has commented on any of your posts. You are the first wife, of a sex addict who's used prostitutes, that I have found who feels similar to the way I do; or has actually put it down in writing!!
What a relief it is to have finally found some one similar to me, who seems to not have the 'strange and mysterious' ability to get over this horror; to forgive and move back into a 'normal' marriage again.
Please contact me. I really need to talk to you.