When was it that I pushed aside the anger and the hurt and started to forgive Ben?
One of our sons was struggling the most. I had stupidly given them too much information. This son wouldn’t come home. He just kept going to friends' homes and staying until he felt they wanted him gone. Finally one mother called me and told me that he was at her house and that he needed to go home and deal with this. She was right, but he didn’t want to come home.
I picked him up. I took him to the store and bought him some fishing stuff to give him something to delve into. He had his drivers license and we got him a motor for his boat so he could take it fishing and stay busy. I didn’t want him to turn to alcohol or drugs.
And I knew he needed his dad. So I knew what I needed to do next. I got ahold of his dad and made plans to get them together immediately. But I didn’t want to talk to Ben or see him myself. I knew it was easier to stay apart if I avoided him.
I called and told him to meet us at a park. Ben was excited and wanted to come immediately. I got out of the van without looking at Ben and sat by myself by the river. Ben talked to our son and then came over to me. I wouldn’t look at him. Couldn’t look at him. He talked a while and as he walked away, I turned and looked at him.
My mistake!
The minute I looked at him I knew I loved the bastard. I understood why I wanted people to rally around our separation and the reason I would not look at him. Because the second I looked at him I knew what I had always known. I loved this man more than anything in the world. I always had and I always would.
And when did I forgive him? The very second I knew what he did I had forgiven him. It was immediate. I had envied everyone else for their unconditional love, which I thought I was incapable of…and with one glance of Ben I realized I had this same unconditional love. Ben was forgiven and loved through this all. I was just trying to deny it because it seemed like divorce what the right thing to do in this situation. Its what I thought I believed. It is not how I really felt.
Ben was the love of my life and he came home with me right then.
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