20. FORGIVING MYSELF

I have come to realize that this is what I really need to do. It is ME I have to forgive. And I have so much to forgive.

1. I need to forgive myself for  being the person that drove Ben to seek prostituion. My looks, how I didn't take time to make myself feminie... That I spent so much time devoted to our kids... That I wasn't there for Ben in whatever way he wanted... That I wasn't the young, sexy girl he must have craved... Maybe I could control some of these things. But some I had no control over. (My looks are from God. To age is to be human.) Still, I feel shame for being the person that drove Ben into prostitution.

2. I need to forgive myself for not knowing. I feel so much blame that I had faith in Ben and didn't snoop or check on him at night. It was blind faith and total trust. I know I blame myself for what was probably a good quality.. but the blame is still there anyway. I feel so much shame that I did not know. I need to forgive myself for not knowing.

3. I need to forgive myself for not succeding in reaching out to Ben. I knew he was in some type of turmoil or depression. I tried to reach out many times....but obviously not enough. I need to forgive myself for not pushing more, for not helping Ben more. I feel shame that I did not help Ben.

4. I need to forgive myself for not forcing Ben to go to counseling. I asked often. I begged often. But I never forced him. I feel shame that I wasn't strong enough to MAKE Ben go to counseling.

5. I need to forgive myself for feeling I have ruined our family. I worry that I have ruined our kids by staying with Ben. I am worried I would ruin them by getting a divorce. I know I ruined them by letting them know what Ben did. Ruined them by staying with a cheating husband. Ruined them by not being able to talk to them about this. Ruined them by giving them a father with so many problems. I feel this shame deeply for how this is affecting out kids.

6. I need to forgive myself for being in a relationship that includes an evil past. This is hard. I feel so much shame having a relationship that includes so much cheating, lies, illegal acts, pornography...it is all so horrible and it is a part of me. I feel shame for this. Deep shame.

7. I need to forgive myself that I feel so uncomfortable around people that know about this. I avoid them. I avoid the topic totally and I feel shame for this avoidance.

8. I need to forgive myself that I cannot get through a single day without thinking about this. I feel shame that I am haunted. Shame that I can not get past it.

9. I need to forgive myself that I want to stay married. While so much tells me it would be better for the kids, and maybe myself to get rid of Ben and all he stands for, I feel shame that I prefer to be married.

10. I need to forgive myself that I cannot forgive Ben. I have tried for 2 years and fail daily. I feel shame that I can not get over this hurdle.

11. I need to forgive myself for not being able to help Ben understand the level of " bad" this all is. He understands that it was wrong, but I feel shame that he can continue on in life like he is over it and he is better now. I feel shame that I am feeling the shame and Ben is not. I feel shame that he feels he has healed and moved on. I need to forgive myself that I am more bothered by this than Ben is. I need to forgive myself for wanting Ben to suffer like I do with guilt and shame.

12. I need to forgive myself for feeling if I stay with Ben after he has done this, that I am lacking of self esteem to move on as I "should." I feel shame that I am staying with Ben because it feels that I am staying because I am weak, not strong.

13. I need to forgive myself for feeling I caused all this. I need to understand that no matter how Ben was suffering, he is the one who chose the wrong path. But still I feel shame, I feel the shame of being the one who caused this. (Did I already say that? Well I guess I cannot say it enough.)

14. I need to forgive me. I need to love who I am even though this has taken every ounce of my self esteem. I need to forgive myself.

This is my biggest problem, my biggest hurdle. I may never be able to forgive Ben, but I have so much shame that it drowns me. I feel so much shame on all this.....I cannot function well in the world until I forgive myself.