5. SHOCK !!!

Hating My Present, My Past and My Future

Nothing felt normal. I was in shock. I stopped looking for more information and just couldn’t believe it. It was all a lie. Our whole marriage was a farce. It was a joke. I had been completely clueless and it was all a sham. I knew our marriage was not good the past 6 years, but I had no idea this was the reason or the cause of the reason.

I felt like I had lost my future, I knew my present was horrible, but I also felt I had lost my past too. But my past was all I wanted. Something to look back on and be happy about. Every happy memory now had doubt in it. Every time that he had said something nice to me...every time that he had made me happy…I wondered if it was because he had a girl that day. Every time he was nice or smiled at me. Was he just feeling bad because he had someone else that day?

When I touched him, was she still on him? It just wouldn’t stop. Every picture I looked at I wondered if he was thinking about the girl he had chosen for the next time. I wondered if he was thinking about what he will do with her or what he had done with her.

I still cannot look at pictures of Ben without being tormented by this.

Everything that made me happy was now really hurting me deeply because it lost its meaning and it became, in my mind, a part of this evil past.

My past was gone. My future looked bad, and my present…holy cow, my present was shock.

If you have experienced shock you know it is a perfect word and it just cannot be explained. I had to think about eating. I had to think about breathing. I had to think about sleep. I had to think about how to carry a conversation. All instinct had left me. I never felt tired, I just knew if it was late I should go to bed. I never felt hungry and thankfully I lost weight. I had to remind myself that my mouth was dry so that meant I should drink.

It was gone. Anything that is normal was gone. My past was gone.