3. The Confrontation

Evil Happiness- Revenge felt Good (for a while)
I called Ben at the ball fields and said “Hi Noah” (the name he had used on his emails.) He pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. I was happy, I was wild in my happiness..., my heart was racing my mind was wild. Anger wasn’t there yet. No sadness, no depression….just wildness and happiness. Power…. A feeling that I finally had some power again.

The entire day I tried to torment him. Punish him. Not because of what I found out, but becasue of how he had treated me the past 6 years. Revenge! I was going to hurt HIM now. I teased him hurtfully. I mocked him. I blamed him. I called him names and made fun of everything I could. I finally had the power to hurt HIM now, after he had hurt me for the past many years. I know he thought I was angry, it would have been more normal. But I just couldn’t stop smiling.

Ben had never been cruel to me, but he had made me feel unloved and unwanted.

Now I felt like the devil. I knew what I was doing was wrong, was sick, was evil…but it was making me feel wonderful. Power. Evil power. It was good. But it was fleeting. And then my happiness blew up and my world blew up and I was forever changed. My world was forever changed and I would never feel normal again.