17. 2 YEARS LATER

Good Times (....no "Better Times")
2 years later and I am so happy I stayed with Ben. I always knew I loved him, but now I fully understand why people in this situation divorce. It is a lot easier to just not do the work. It is easier to just try to hate than to forgive.

This isn't easy for me. Even at my happiest moments with Ben, I am haunted by what happened. It never goes away and it totaly clouds every day. I know Ben doesn't understand this, and maybe he never will be able to. To him he has stopped and he is done being sick and ready to put all his energy into out marriage again. It isn't like that for me. I am forever changed. To me our marriage can never be pure again. So much has been lost. Innocence, trust, pureness, faith, honesty...

We are all human and we all bring "sin" and mistakes into a marriage. And one thing that brings a couple together is learning how to deal with these sins and with human errors. It is a constant job that a couple can work on together. But this seems different. This wasn't about working on something together. This felt like some evil being or evil world had become a part of our marriage. It no longer felt like it was Ben and I. Now it feels like there is something else in our marriage. Something very foreign, something hateful and something I cannot deal with or understand.

Maybe for Ben that evil presence existed while he was sinning. Maybe to him that third evil part left when he stopped. I guess the demons were in our marriage and they were the cause of so many problems, but I didn't know they were there then. Ben was dealing with the demons then, not me. I just knew something was very wrong and I was so confused and lost not knowing why.

Now, even though those Demons may seem gone to Ben....they are still very much here. It is just that now I know, and maybe Ben doesn't. Now he is the one that is left feeling confused and lost at not understanding why things can't be great again.

I CAN feel happy. ANd Ben looks at me and thinks that I am happier than I have ever been. That is because I am happy to have Ben back again after a long absense. But I am not as happy as he thinks. I question I can ever feel pure happiness again.

It isn't that I think about it constantly, but often when Ben is making me crazy with happiness...I think "He slept with other women."

While I know it would be much easier to have divorced Ben and not have to deal with this....right now I am happy we didn't.

Ben's worth it. I am mad at him that for taking away what could have been a pure relationship and mad that he forever ruined me as a person...but I am happy I am with the bastard. Because I LOVE BEN.

A Test that Ben failed
We had a major test 2 years after Ben stopped cheatting. Unfortunetly Ben failed me again. Ben was sent pornography on his phone. I went wild (as would be expected, right?) I doubted him and questioned him and.....was very emotional. Ben should have taken a step back and thought about where I was coming from. He should have totally understood my reaction. Instead he got mad at me for doubting him. Is he that dense that he didn't realize that I had been thrown over the cliff again and had to make my way to the wall and climb back up?

I called the number and a very embarrassed man explained that he knew Ben though our kids and the porn had gone out to all his contacts unexpectedly. He was beyond embarassed. I was relieved that Ben hadn't gone done this road again...but I was tormented with how he reacted. That he had gotten angry at me for doubting him. He should have been there for me and he should have been patient with me and he should have turned every feeling he had for himself...toward helping me. He should have put every ounce of his energy into ME and helping me. But instead he made it about him and how he felt wrongly blamed.

After all I had gone though, I felt he should have done better.

Yet I understand Ben has been through a lot. Total embarassment, total humiliation, total loss of everything....still...he should have done better.

Ben needs to understand that he has taken away my blind faith and trust. Even if I want to, there is no way I can again be capable of trusting him. That may be my failing, but Ben caused it. I had given Ben the gift of faith...and he is the one that ruined it.