18. Forgiveness

The following is written by a group from "Divorce Busting" about forgiving. It is sensitive to the diffiulty of forgiving and it values the work put into forgiving:
By Michele Weiner-Davis


REELING FROM INFIDELITY


Every once in a while I step back and think about the messages I give to couples in my practice, seminars, keynotes and in my writing. To be sure, I have been a psychotic optimist about people's ability to survive whatever comes their way in terms of marital challenges. For example, my mantra when interviewed by media about the impact of infidelity is that it is by no means a marital deal breaker. In fact, I say, that when a couple is willing to do the hard work of healing from infidelity, their marriage can be stronger than ever before. True? Well, yes, but not, I now believe, without considerable hardship and devastation along the way. Suffice it to say, infidelity is not for sissies.


I like the above. It is so true. While Ben and I are still together.....there is considerable hardship and devastation...and I know it would have been much easier to divorce and to not be haunted by this. Suffice it to say, infidelity is not for sissies.

As I have observed the fallout from infidelity from the discovery throughout the lengthy process of healing, I have noticed that, even when couples are devoted to rising above adversity, facing their demons, keeping their hearts open, working through pain, grief, anxiety and loss, the process is incredibly difficult.

Incredibly difficult. More difficult than I imagined I could ever deal with.

There are predictable twists and turns. Roller coaster-like days, months and even years take their toll emotionally, spiritually and physically. Forgiveness may come eventually, but forgetting never does. The marriage is changed forever, innocence and dreams lost.

The marriage IS forever changed....ruined? I don't know. But innocence is forever lost. It can never again be be innocent or pure. But maybe it never was.
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Forgiveness is not easy...and hatred may be easier....but forgiveness is just what is there for me. I said to Ben when I first found out, "One thing I know about you is that if the tables were turned ...you would forgive me no matter what. You would get over this immediatly and love me despite it. But I am not like you, I am not like that. I will never forgive you because I CANNOT do it. I am not as strong as you or as selfless as you. You hurt me and I cannot get over this."

That statement shows that I wasn't going to be able to forgive Ben. NOT because of who Ben was or what he did, but because of me not believing in myself. But I did it. Just like I delivered babies without pain killers. When in the middle of it all, you just do what you have to do to get through it. And in the end there is happiness.

I am not over this. But the bottom line is I love Ben and he and I have been best friends for over 30 years. But, I am not over this.Forgiveness is a processs...you don't reach it and move on from there...you work on it every day

Here is a link to the site that I addressed above:
http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=m5lqnycab&v=001b3MRj4D6bdquouKMbm-ZGqRXZ1N6oTPoqin_gO4_PvYzv3Wau3H2vK77YSCwwwFTfL9cLEuU2c5O-hUBmUakjq5c0c596pGZ-0llXE9oaTXwZ1R4cGdjshKG0LxUvynx