Ben's cheating has destroyed my self esteem and made me forever unable to trust Ben. It has made me feel an insane amount of shame. But what weighs me down the most is the feeling that I have lost my past. .
What I miss most is a past I can think back on fondly. When I look at pictures of the kids when they were young, I forget the tantrums, the tiredness, the demands they put on me...I forget all this. When I look at pictures of them young all the comes back to me are a flood of happy memories. It is so amazing. I just love looking at pictures of them when they were young.
But my past with Ben doesn't feel like that. When I think back to our life together, to the houses we built, to the trips we took, to the things we did together, to the conversations, to anything that involved Ben...it is completely tainted by bad thoughts. Not about bad things from the time. But things I now wonder. Horrible things I wonder about... like what was really going on in Ben's mind, what he was thinking when he said something. When I see pictures of Ben, the thoughts are not happy...instead I wonder what he is thinking about.
I feel like my past was a joke. Our marriage a farce.
This is the hardest part for me. It is like that feeling when you are standing on a rug. You are standing steady and sure. But you lose total control when someone yanks the rug out below you. That best describle how I feel about my past....like someone pulled out the rug and I lost every bit of control I thought I had.
I use to spend most of my life thinking about the future...tomorrow, next week, next year...I use to live today constantly as preparation for the future. But now I honestly don't really care about my future. My future really doesn't seem important anymore. When our checking account goes $1000 in the hole...I really don't care...The future is meaningless to me now.
I just want my past back...more than anything else.
Jan 21, 2009
Jan 20, 2009
20. FORGIVING MYSELF
I have come to realize that this is what I really need to do. It is ME I have to forgive. And I have so much to forgive.
1. I need to forgive myself for being the person that drove Ben to seek prostituion. My looks, how I didn't take time to make myself feminie... That I spent so much time devoted to our kids... That I wasn't there for Ben in whatever way he wanted... That I wasn't the young, sexy girl he must have craved... Maybe I could control some of these things. But some I had no control over. (My looks are from God. To age is to be human.) Still, I feel shame for being the person that drove Ben into prostitution.
2. I need to forgive myself for not knowing. I feel so much blame that I had faith in Ben and didn't snoop or check on him at night. It was blind faith and total trust. I know I blame myself for what was probably a good quality.. but the blame is still there anyway. I feel so much shame that I did not know. I need to forgive myself for not knowing.
3. I need to forgive myself for not succeding in reaching out to Ben. I knew he was in some type of turmoil or depression. I tried to reach out many times....but obviously not enough. I need to forgive myself for not pushing more, for not helping Ben more. I feel shame that I did not help Ben.
4. I need to forgive myself for not forcing Ben to go to counseling. I asked often. I begged often. But I never forced him. I feel shame that I wasn't strong enough to MAKE Ben go to counseling.
5. I need to forgive myself for feeling I have ruined our family. I worry that I have ruined our kids by staying with Ben. I am worried I would ruin them by getting a divorce. I know I ruined them by letting them know what Ben did. Ruined them by staying with a cheating husband. Ruined them by not being able to talk to them about this. Ruined them by giving them a father with so many problems. I feel this shame deeply for how this is affecting out kids.
6. I need to forgive myself for being in a relationship that includes an evil past. This is hard. I feel so much shame having a relationship that includes so much cheating, lies, illegal acts, pornography...it is all so horrible and it is a part of me. I feel shame for this. Deep shame.
7. I need to forgive myself that I feel so uncomfortable around people that know about this. I avoid them. I avoid the topic totally and I feel shame for this avoidance.
8. I need to forgive myself that I cannot get through a single day without thinking about this. I feel shame that I am haunted. Shame that I can not get past it.
9. I need to forgive myself that I want to stay married. While so much tells me it would be better for the kids, and maybe myself to get rid of Ben and all he stands for, I feel shame that I prefer to be married.
10. I need to forgive myself that I cannot forgive Ben. I have tried for 2 years and fail daily. I feel shame that I can not get over this hurdle.
11. I need to forgive myself for not being able to help Ben understand the level of " bad" this all is. He understands that it was wrong, but I feel shame that he can continue on in life like he is over it and he is better now. I feel shame that I am feeling the shame and Ben is not. I feel shame that he feels he has healed and moved on. I need to forgive myself that I am more bothered by this than Ben is. I need to forgive myself for wanting Ben to suffer like I do with guilt and shame.
12. I need to forgive myself for feeling if I stay with Ben after he has done this, that I am lacking of self esteem to move on as I "should." I feel shame that I am staying with Ben because it feels that I am staying because I am weak, not strong.
13. I need to forgive myself for feeling I caused all this. I need to understand that no matter how Ben was suffering, he is the one who chose the wrong path. But still I feel shame, I feel the shame of being the one who caused this. (Did I already say that? Well I guess I cannot say it enough.)
14. I need to forgive me. I need to love who I am even though this has taken every ounce of my self esteem. I need to forgive myself.
This is my biggest problem, my biggest hurdle. I may never be able to forgive Ben, but I have so much shame that it drowns me. I feel so much shame on all this.....I cannot function well in the world until I forgive myself.
1. I need to forgive myself for being the person that drove Ben to seek prostituion. My looks, how I didn't take time to make myself feminie... That I spent so much time devoted to our kids... That I wasn't there for Ben in whatever way he wanted... That I wasn't the young, sexy girl he must have craved... Maybe I could control some of these things. But some I had no control over. (My looks are from God. To age is to be human.) Still, I feel shame for being the person that drove Ben into prostitution.
2. I need to forgive myself for not knowing. I feel so much blame that I had faith in Ben and didn't snoop or check on him at night. It was blind faith and total trust. I know I blame myself for what was probably a good quality.. but the blame is still there anyway. I feel so much shame that I did not know. I need to forgive myself for not knowing.
3. I need to forgive myself for not succeding in reaching out to Ben. I knew he was in some type of turmoil or depression. I tried to reach out many times....but obviously not enough. I need to forgive myself for not pushing more, for not helping Ben more. I feel shame that I did not help Ben.
4. I need to forgive myself for not forcing Ben to go to counseling. I asked often. I begged often. But I never forced him. I feel shame that I wasn't strong enough to MAKE Ben go to counseling.
5. I need to forgive myself for feeling I have ruined our family. I worry that I have ruined our kids by staying with Ben. I am worried I would ruin them by getting a divorce. I know I ruined them by letting them know what Ben did. Ruined them by staying with a cheating husband. Ruined them by not being able to talk to them about this. Ruined them by giving them a father with so many problems. I feel this shame deeply for how this is affecting out kids.
6. I need to forgive myself for being in a relationship that includes an evil past. This is hard. I feel so much shame having a relationship that includes so much cheating, lies, illegal acts, pornography...it is all so horrible and it is a part of me. I feel shame for this. Deep shame.
7. I need to forgive myself that I feel so uncomfortable around people that know about this. I avoid them. I avoid the topic totally and I feel shame for this avoidance.
8. I need to forgive myself that I cannot get through a single day without thinking about this. I feel shame that I am haunted. Shame that I can not get past it.
9. I need to forgive myself that I want to stay married. While so much tells me it would be better for the kids, and maybe myself to get rid of Ben and all he stands for, I feel shame that I prefer to be married.
10. I need to forgive myself that I cannot forgive Ben. I have tried for 2 years and fail daily. I feel shame that I can not get over this hurdle.
11. I need to forgive myself for not being able to help Ben understand the level of " bad" this all is. He understands that it was wrong, but I feel shame that he can continue on in life like he is over it and he is better now. I feel shame that I am feeling the shame and Ben is not. I feel shame that he feels he has healed and moved on. I need to forgive myself that I am more bothered by this than Ben is. I need to forgive myself for wanting Ben to suffer like I do with guilt and shame.
12. I need to forgive myself for feeling if I stay with Ben after he has done this, that I am lacking of self esteem to move on as I "should." I feel shame that I am staying with Ben because it feels that I am staying because I am weak, not strong.
13. I need to forgive myself for feeling I caused all this. I need to understand that no matter how Ben was suffering, he is the one who chose the wrong path. But still I feel shame, I feel the shame of being the one who caused this. (Did I already say that? Well I guess I cannot say it enough.)
14. I need to forgive me. I need to love who I am even though this has taken every ounce of my self esteem. I need to forgive myself.
This is my biggest problem, my biggest hurdle. I may never be able to forgive Ben, but I have so much shame that it drowns me. I feel so much shame on all this.....I cannot function well in the world until I forgive myself.
Jan 19, 2009
19. What IS Forgiveness?
Wait A Minute....What IS FORGIVENESS?
I have come to realize forgiveness is a constant process, not a destination. But have I REALLY forgiven Ben? I know I love him. I know I am still with him....but I am questionling that I forgave him. If I had forgiven him, wouldn't I be past all this constant trauma?
We are married. We have good times and we love each other. But that is not the same as forgiveness. The more time that goes by, the more I come to believe that I cannot forgive Ben. How could I? There is no way. I can love him despite this, but his sin just isn't something I can forgive.
So I looked it up:
Wikipedia: "forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. "
Well if that is the definition, I certainly have NOT Forgiven Ben. I know I have not concluded on any of those feelings. And I love the list...resentment, indignation and anger. Of course, it does say "is the process"....so...hmmm...
The second part..."ceasing to demand punishment or restitution," I think I have done that. I think I have done that long ago.
Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven
I will address the "forgiving themsleves" part in my next section.
The Oxford Dictionary: defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.
give up all claim? hmm...Not sure if I have. I mean, I am still married to Ben. But I struggle daily with this....is that really forgiveness?
I thought I forgave Ben when I looked at him the first time. But I am not so sure that was a flood of forgivenss. I think that was more a realization that I loved him. I love Ben...that I never doubt. . I love our past, I love every wrinkle and every grey hair. I love his sense of humor, even though it is odd. I love that he tries things even though he may not be good at them. I love that he works hard.I love most everything about him. I love laying in bed with him. I love going on walks with him. I love being with Ben. I even love fighting with him. Going through our problems and dealing with things as we do.
But I don't love the fact that he cheated and lied for years. I don't love that he put me in this life of constant struggle. That he was so selfish that he did what maybe every man would do if he allowed himself to put aside decency. I don't love how sick he was (is?) to think he should join such a sick, disgusting world. I don't love that part of Ben, I hate that part. And that part can never go away. So there will always be a part of Ben I hate. ANd I cannot forgive him for this.
Ben says he believes in forgiveness. I just want to laugh when he says that. I once thought he would forgive me if the tables had turned. But I don't think that any more. He has trouble forgiving me for much less important things. I think he would be like me. I think he would still love me, but I know he would not forgive me.
I find it laughable when he talks about believing in giving people chances to grow and improve. Or that he believes people should forgive others when they fall and make mistakes. Well, of course he feels that way. He is the one asking for forgiveness. His saying this is so laughable. He has no idea what it means to forgive something at this level. How it tears at my self esteem and my trust. He is clueless.
Have I forgiven Ben 2 years after I found out he cheated on me for so long? No...I suppose I have not. And as time has gone on, I think I have come to realize that I will never forgive this. Can I accept it happened and stay married. That is much more due-able. That is far more realistic. That is what I can hope for.
When I realize, that maybe I do not have to forgive Ben, this is when I think, maybe we can remain married. But Ben needs to understand that I can no longer trust him, I can never probably forgive him and I can never get over this. It is here forever to deal with.
I feel a huge burden lifted when I accept that I have not forgiven Ben.
Someday maybe I will be able to. But not now. To love him has to be enough. It is all I can do...despite 2 years of trying to forgive and failing and feeling bad about myself because I couldn't.
I have come to realize forgiveness is a constant process, not a destination. But have I REALLY forgiven Ben? I know I love him. I know I am still with him....but I am questionling that I forgave him. If I had forgiven him, wouldn't I be past all this constant trauma?
We are married. We have good times and we love each other. But that is not the same as forgiveness. The more time that goes by, the more I come to believe that I cannot forgive Ben. How could I? There is no way. I can love him despite this, but his sin just isn't something I can forgive.
So I looked it up:
Wikipedia: "forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. "
Well if that is the definition, I certainly have NOT Forgiven Ben. I know I have not concluded on any of those feelings. And I love the list...resentment, indignation and anger. Of course, it does say "is the process"....so...hmmm...
The second part..."ceasing to demand punishment or restitution," I think I have done that. I think I have done that long ago.
Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven
I will address the "forgiving themsleves" part in my next section.
The Oxford Dictionary: defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.
give up all claim? hmm...Not sure if I have. I mean, I am still married to Ben. But I struggle daily with this....is that really forgiveness?
I thought I forgave Ben when I looked at him the first time. But I am not so sure that was a flood of forgivenss. I think that was more a realization that I loved him. I love Ben...that I never doubt. . I love our past, I love every wrinkle and every grey hair. I love his sense of humor, even though it is odd. I love that he tries things even though he may not be good at them. I love that he works hard.I love most everything about him. I love laying in bed with him. I love going on walks with him. I love being with Ben. I even love fighting with him. Going through our problems and dealing with things as we do.
But I don't love the fact that he cheated and lied for years. I don't love that he put me in this life of constant struggle. That he was so selfish that he did what maybe every man would do if he allowed himself to put aside decency. I don't love how sick he was (is?) to think he should join such a sick, disgusting world. I don't love that part of Ben, I hate that part. And that part can never go away. So there will always be a part of Ben I hate. ANd I cannot forgive him for this.
Ben says he believes in forgiveness. I just want to laugh when he says that. I once thought he would forgive me if the tables had turned. But I don't think that any more. He has trouble forgiving me for much less important things. I think he would be like me. I think he would still love me, but I know he would not forgive me.
I find it laughable when he talks about believing in giving people chances to grow and improve. Or that he believes people should forgive others when they fall and make mistakes. Well, of course he feels that way. He is the one asking for forgiveness. His saying this is so laughable. He has no idea what it means to forgive something at this level. How it tears at my self esteem and my trust. He is clueless.
Have I forgiven Ben 2 years after I found out he cheated on me for so long? No...I suppose I have not. And as time has gone on, I think I have come to realize that I will never forgive this. Can I accept it happened and stay married. That is much more due-able. That is far more realistic. That is what I can hope for.
When I realize, that maybe I do not have to forgive Ben, this is when I think, maybe we can remain married. But Ben needs to understand that I can no longer trust him, I can never probably forgive him and I can never get over this. It is here forever to deal with.
I feel a huge burden lifted when I accept that I have not forgiven Ben.
Someday maybe I will be able to. But not now. To love him has to be enough. It is all I can do...despite 2 years of trying to forgive and failing and feeling bad about myself because I couldn't.
Jan 18, 2009
18. Forgiveness
The following is written by a group from "Divorce Busting" about forgiving. It is sensitive to the diffiulty of forgiving and it values the work put into forgiving:
By Michele Weiner-Davis
REELING FROM INFIDELITY
Every once in a while I step back and think about the messages I give to couples in my practice, seminars, keynotes and in my writing. To be sure, I have been a psychotic optimist about people's ability to survive whatever comes their way in terms of marital challenges. For example, my mantra when interviewed by media about the impact of infidelity is that it is by no means a marital deal breaker. In fact, I say, that when a couple is willing to do the hard work of healing from infidelity, their marriage can be stronger than ever before. True? Well, yes, but not, I now believe, without considerable hardship and devastation along the way. Suffice it to say, infidelity is not for sissies.
I like the above. It is so true. While Ben and I are still together.....there is considerable hardship and devastation...and I know it would have been much easier to divorce and to not be haunted by this. Suffice it to say, infidelity is not for sissies.
As I have observed the fallout from infidelity from the discovery throughout the lengthy process of healing, I have noticed that, even when couples are devoted to rising above adversity, facing their demons, keeping their hearts open, working through pain, grief, anxiety and loss, the process is incredibly difficult.
Incredibly difficult. More difficult than I imagined I could ever deal with.
There are predictable twists and turns. Roller coaster-like days, months and even years take their toll emotionally, spiritually and physically. Forgiveness may come eventually, but forgetting never does. The marriage is changed forever, innocence and dreams lost.
The marriage IS forever changed....ruined? I don't know. But innocence is forever lost. It can never again be be innocent or pure. But maybe it never was.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Forgiveness is not easy...and hatred may be easier....but forgiveness is just what is there for me. I said to Ben when I first found out, "One thing I know about you is that if the tables were turned ...you would forgive me no matter what. You would get over this immediatly and love me despite it. But I am not like you, I am not like that. I will never forgive you because I CANNOT do it. I am not as strong as you or as selfless as you. You hurt me and I cannot get over this."
That statement shows that I wasn't going to be able to forgive Ben. NOT because of who Ben was or what he did, but because of me not believing in myself. But I did it. Just like I delivered babies without pain killers. When in the middle of it all, you just do what you have to do to get through it. And in the end there is happiness.
I am not over this. But the bottom line is I love Ben and he and I have been best friends for over 30 years. But, I am not over this.Forgiveness is a processs...you don't reach it and move on from there...you work on it every day
Here is a link to the site that I addressed above:
http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=m5lqnycab&v=001b3MRj4D6bdquouKMbm-ZGqRXZ1N6oTPoqin_gO4_PvYzv3Wau3H2vK77YSCwwwFTfL9cLEuU2c5O-hUBmUakjq5c0c596pGZ-0llXE9oaTXwZ1R4cGdjshKG0LxUvynx
By Michele Weiner-Davis
REELING FROM INFIDELITY
Every once in a while I step back and think about the messages I give to couples in my practice, seminars, keynotes and in my writing. To be sure, I have been a psychotic optimist about people's ability to survive whatever comes their way in terms of marital challenges. For example, my mantra when interviewed by media about the impact of infidelity is that it is by no means a marital deal breaker. In fact, I say, that when a couple is willing to do the hard work of healing from infidelity, their marriage can be stronger than ever before. True? Well, yes, but not, I now believe, without considerable hardship and devastation along the way. Suffice it to say, infidelity is not for sissies.
I like the above. It is so true. While Ben and I are still together.....there is considerable hardship and devastation...and I know it would have been much easier to divorce and to not be haunted by this. Suffice it to say, infidelity is not for sissies.
As I have observed the fallout from infidelity from the discovery throughout the lengthy process of healing, I have noticed that, even when couples are devoted to rising above adversity, facing their demons, keeping their hearts open, working through pain, grief, anxiety and loss, the process is incredibly difficult.
Incredibly difficult. More difficult than I imagined I could ever deal with.
There are predictable twists and turns. Roller coaster-like days, months and even years take their toll emotionally, spiritually and physically. Forgiveness may come eventually, but forgetting never does. The marriage is changed forever, innocence and dreams lost.
The marriage IS forever changed....ruined? I don't know. But innocence is forever lost. It can never again be be innocent or pure. But maybe it never was.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Forgiveness is not easy...and hatred may be easier....but forgiveness is just what is there for me. I said to Ben when I first found out, "One thing I know about you is that if the tables were turned ...you would forgive me no matter what. You would get over this immediatly and love me despite it. But I am not like you, I am not like that. I will never forgive you because I CANNOT do it. I am not as strong as you or as selfless as you. You hurt me and I cannot get over this."
That statement shows that I wasn't going to be able to forgive Ben. NOT because of who Ben was or what he did, but because of me not believing in myself. But I did it. Just like I delivered babies without pain killers. When in the middle of it all, you just do what you have to do to get through it. And in the end there is happiness.
I am not over this. But the bottom line is I love Ben and he and I have been best friends for over 30 years. But, I am not over this.Forgiveness is a processs...you don't reach it and move on from there...you work on it every day
Here is a link to the site that I addressed above:
http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?llr=m5lqnycab&v=001b3MRj4D6bdquouKMbm-ZGqRXZ1N6oTPoqin_gO4_PvYzv3Wau3H2vK77YSCwwwFTfL9cLEuU2c5O-hUBmUakjq5c0c596pGZ-0llXE9oaTXwZ1R4cGdjshKG0LxUvynx
Jan 17, 2009
17. 2 YEARS LATER
Good Times (....no "Better Times")
2 years later and I am so happy I stayed with Ben. I always knew I loved him, but now I fully understand why people in this situation divorce. It is a lot easier to just not do the work. It is easier to just try to hate than to forgive.
This isn't easy for me. Even at my happiest moments with Ben, I am haunted by what happened. It never goes away and it totaly clouds every day. I know Ben doesn't understand this, and maybe he never will be able to. To him he has stopped and he is done being sick and ready to put all his energy into out marriage again. It isn't like that for me. I am forever changed. To me our marriage can never be pure again. So much has been lost. Innocence, trust, pureness, faith, honesty...
We are all human and we all bring "sin" and mistakes into a marriage. And one thing that brings a couple together is learning how to deal with these sins and with human errors. It is a constant job that a couple can work on together. But this seems different. This wasn't about working on something together. This felt like some evil being or evil world had become a part of our marriage. It no longer felt like it was Ben and I. Now it feels like there is something else in our marriage. Something very foreign, something hateful and something I cannot deal with or understand.
Maybe for Ben that evil presence existed while he was sinning. Maybe to him that third evil part left when he stopped. I guess the demons were in our marriage and they were the cause of so many problems, but I didn't know they were there then. Ben was dealing with the demons then, not me. I just knew something was very wrong and I was so confused and lost not knowing why.
Now, even though those Demons may seem gone to Ben....they are still very much here. It is just that now I know, and maybe Ben doesn't. Now he is the one that is left feeling confused and lost at not understanding why things can't be great again.
I CAN feel happy. ANd Ben looks at me and thinks that I am happier than I have ever been. That is because I am happy to have Ben back again after a long absense. But I am not as happy as he thinks. I question I can ever feel pure happiness again.
It isn't that I think about it constantly, but often when Ben is making me crazy with happiness...I think "He slept with other women."
While I know it would be much easier to have divorced Ben and not have to deal with this....right now I am happy we didn't.
Ben's worth it. I am mad at him that for taking away what could have been a pure relationship and mad that he forever ruined me as a person...but I am happy I am with the bastard. Because I LOVE BEN.
A Test that Ben failed
We had a major test 2 years after Ben stopped cheatting. Unfortunetly Ben failed me again. Ben was sent pornography on his phone. I went wild (as would be expected, right?) I doubted him and questioned him and.....was very emotional. Ben should have taken a step back and thought about where I was coming from. He should have totally understood my reaction. Instead he got mad at me for doubting him. Is he that dense that he didn't realize that I had been thrown over the cliff again and had to make my way to the wall and climb back up?
I called the number and a very embarrassed man explained that he knew Ben though our kids and the porn had gone out to all his contacts unexpectedly. He was beyond embarassed. I was relieved that Ben hadn't gone done this road again...but I was tormented with how he reacted. That he had gotten angry at me for doubting him. He should have been there for me and he should have been patient with me and he should have turned every feeling he had for himself...toward helping me. He should have put every ounce of his energy into ME and helping me. But instead he made it about him and how he felt wrongly blamed.
After all I had gone though, I felt he should have done better.
Yet I understand Ben has been through a lot. Total embarassment, total humiliation, total loss of everything....still...he should have done better.
Ben needs to understand that he has taken away my blind faith and trust. Even if I want to, there is no way I can again be capable of trusting him. That may be my failing, but Ben caused it. I had given Ben the gift of faith...and he is the one that ruined it.
2 years later and I am so happy I stayed with Ben. I always knew I loved him, but now I fully understand why people in this situation divorce. It is a lot easier to just not do the work. It is easier to just try to hate than to forgive.
This isn't easy for me. Even at my happiest moments with Ben, I am haunted by what happened. It never goes away and it totaly clouds every day. I know Ben doesn't understand this, and maybe he never will be able to. To him he has stopped and he is done being sick and ready to put all his energy into out marriage again. It isn't like that for me. I am forever changed. To me our marriage can never be pure again. So much has been lost. Innocence, trust, pureness, faith, honesty...
We are all human and we all bring "sin" and mistakes into a marriage. And one thing that brings a couple together is learning how to deal with these sins and with human errors. It is a constant job that a couple can work on together. But this seems different. This wasn't about working on something together. This felt like some evil being or evil world had become a part of our marriage. It no longer felt like it was Ben and I. Now it feels like there is something else in our marriage. Something very foreign, something hateful and something I cannot deal with or understand.
Maybe for Ben that evil presence existed while he was sinning. Maybe to him that third evil part left when he stopped. I guess the demons were in our marriage and they were the cause of so many problems, but I didn't know they were there then. Ben was dealing with the demons then, not me. I just knew something was very wrong and I was so confused and lost not knowing why.
Now, even though those Demons may seem gone to Ben....they are still very much here. It is just that now I know, and maybe Ben doesn't. Now he is the one that is left feeling confused and lost at not understanding why things can't be great again.
I CAN feel happy. ANd Ben looks at me and thinks that I am happier than I have ever been. That is because I am happy to have Ben back again after a long absense. But I am not as happy as he thinks. I question I can ever feel pure happiness again.
It isn't that I think about it constantly, but often when Ben is making me crazy with happiness...I think "He slept with other women."
While I know it would be much easier to have divorced Ben and not have to deal with this....right now I am happy we didn't.
Ben's worth it. I am mad at him that for taking away what could have been a pure relationship and mad that he forever ruined me as a person...but I am happy I am with the bastard. Because I LOVE BEN.
A Test that Ben failed
We had a major test 2 years after Ben stopped cheatting. Unfortunetly Ben failed me again. Ben was sent pornography on his phone. I went wild (as would be expected, right?) I doubted him and questioned him and.....was very emotional. Ben should have taken a step back and thought about where I was coming from. He should have totally understood my reaction. Instead he got mad at me for doubting him. Is he that dense that he didn't realize that I had been thrown over the cliff again and had to make my way to the wall and climb back up?
I called the number and a very embarrassed man explained that he knew Ben though our kids and the porn had gone out to all his contacts unexpectedly. He was beyond embarassed. I was relieved that Ben hadn't gone done this road again...but I was tormented with how he reacted. That he had gotten angry at me for doubting him. He should have been there for me and he should have been patient with me and he should have turned every feeling he had for himself...toward helping me. He should have put every ounce of his energy into ME and helping me. But instead he made it about him and how he felt wrongly blamed.
After all I had gone though, I felt he should have done better.
Yet I understand Ben has been through a lot. Total embarassment, total humiliation, total loss of everything....still...he should have done better.
Ben needs to understand that he has taken away my blind faith and trust. Even if I want to, there is no way I can again be capable of trusting him. That may be my failing, but Ben caused it. I had given Ben the gift of faith...and he is the one that ruined it.
Jan 16, 2009
16. A Year Later
"Steps Forward and Steps Back"
I knew after a year I was beginning to heal a little when I felt like I was now taking 1 step forward toward happiness and then 1 step back toward depression. Before this it was all backward steps. Everything hurt. Every memory from our past, every picture I looked at...Tore me apart. I seriously didn’t want to live in that world any more. And I hated that the only one that would be able to help me through it was the same person who created it--Ben.
But after a year, I finally I felt I could actually "live" again. Don’t get me wrong…I was just in survival mode, but sometimes I actually felt happy. It was no longer complete numbness all the time. I call this my "1 step forward 1 step back" time. I never really went any where and was still not healing, but I was beginning to feel hopeful sometimes….not often... sometimes.
Finally the healing began…so very slowly. It was the time I call "2 steps forward 1 step back." It was long and slow and painful. I often wondered if it would be better to stop trying. To just divorce and move on. The 2 steps forward were still pretty shaky and the one step backwards was devastating. The backwards step caused me to go through the pain all over again. It hurt so much and came so often. I wondered how could I continue to put myself through this?
Usually Ben was really hard on me when I began to fall again or step backward. He thought I should be continuing on my steady pace of healing. He could accept the slow progress but he had a hard time when I would go backwards. This made my step backwards turn into 2 steps backwards or 3 or 4 steps. If Ben wasn’t understanding my backwards progress, I found myself unable to get out of bed or I felt so down I doubted I could ever step forward again. But eventually Ben would help me step forward again. Unfortunately he was not as capable of knowing when to do this as I would have liked.
Ben just couldn’t understand how I would keep falling.... keep stepping back. He wondered why with all my healing I would "want to go back there" (as he would put it.) I had to convince him that my reasons for falling were justified. I hated him for this. I hated him for not understanding. For assuming it would be all forward progress, for not coming to my aid immediately when I had a backward step. When I needed Ben the most, he was really letting me down.
Eventually we got to "3 steps forward 1 step back." Yes the 1 step back was always devastating, but the 3 steps forward gave us both hope. Now Ben was more of an advocate for me. He now was better at helping me when I fell backward. It had taken over a year to get to this point. But it got easier much faster and 4 steps forward came even faster.
Maybe Ben finally got it, or maybe Ben started seeing that there was hope. He helped me, but not as well as he could have.
I knew after a year I was beginning to heal a little when I felt like I was now taking 1 step forward toward happiness and then 1 step back toward depression. Before this it was all backward steps. Everything hurt. Every memory from our past, every picture I looked at...Tore me apart. I seriously didn’t want to live in that world any more. And I hated that the only one that would be able to help me through it was the same person who created it--Ben.
But after a year, I finally I felt I could actually "live" again. Don’t get me wrong…I was just in survival mode, but sometimes I actually felt happy. It was no longer complete numbness all the time. I call this my "1 step forward 1 step back" time. I never really went any where and was still not healing, but I was beginning to feel hopeful sometimes….not often... sometimes.
Finally the healing began…so very slowly. It was the time I call "2 steps forward 1 step back." It was long and slow and painful. I often wondered if it would be better to stop trying. To just divorce and move on. The 2 steps forward were still pretty shaky and the one step backwards was devastating. The backwards step caused me to go through the pain all over again. It hurt so much and came so often. I wondered how could I continue to put myself through this?
Usually Ben was really hard on me when I began to fall again or step backward. He thought I should be continuing on my steady pace of healing. He could accept the slow progress but he had a hard time when I would go backwards. This made my step backwards turn into 2 steps backwards or 3 or 4 steps. If Ben wasn’t understanding my backwards progress, I found myself unable to get out of bed or I felt so down I doubted I could ever step forward again. But eventually Ben would help me step forward again. Unfortunately he was not as capable of knowing when to do this as I would have liked.
Ben just couldn’t understand how I would keep falling.... keep stepping back. He wondered why with all my healing I would "want to go back there" (as he would put it.) I had to convince him that my reasons for falling were justified. I hated him for this. I hated him for not understanding. For assuming it would be all forward progress, for not coming to my aid immediately when I had a backward step. When I needed Ben the most, he was really letting me down.
Eventually we got to "3 steps forward 1 step back." Yes the 1 step back was always devastating, but the 3 steps forward gave us both hope. Now Ben was more of an advocate for me. He now was better at helping me when I fell backward. It had taken over a year to get to this point. But it got easier much faster and 4 steps forward came even faster.
Maybe Ben finally got it, or maybe Ben started seeing that there was hope. He helped me, but not as well as he could have.
Jan 15, 2009
15. Allow Me to Be SIck
Ben is Healing but Now I was "Sick"
Funny thing is…When Ben was caught… when he finally admitted he needed help…when he had understood that his sick world had ruined our good marriage….he felt a sense of relief. He felt he had healed. He felt he was starting over. He was relieved and happy and positive and upbeat and hopeful.
Me? Well my world had just fallen apart. It wasn’t over for me. It was just beginning. I had just learned my husband had had sex with prostitutes and I needed to start dealing with it. I was far from happy, not relieved and certainly did not feel like I was ready to heal....I had no desire to work on our relationship...I needed to just deal with all this new information.
My whole world had turned upside down. While Ben felt a cloud was gone ....I felt like my past was just a farce. I felt like my present was pure hell and I felt like the future was hopeless. I felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under me and there was nothing to stand on.
Ben was remorseful and realized how sick he was. He was humiliated and torn down to his nothingness. He was determined to fight back to get me back in his life, and he was patient along the way.
Although Ben was willing to take ownership in my destruction, he had a harder time understanding the fact that it would take so long for me to heal.
He knew his problems were over, he just couldn’t fully understand the concept that mine were beginning. He felt the evilness was gone and now we could work on a great marriage. And we did have a better marriage, but still, I was drowning...my healing couldn’t possibly start yet.
My Healing? Are you kidding? I wasn’t ready to heal. I hadn’t even had a chance to be sick yet. I needed to be sick. I needed to be depressed. The loss of trust and the loss of my self esteem were overwhelming. The feeling of losing my past was crippling. I was just in the beginning of my illness. I couldn't begin to think about healing yet. I needed to play out the sickness and the hurt, and Ben had to learn to let me.
Ben kept promising me it would never happen again. The words were meaningless to me. Unimportant. What did I care if it never happened again? That wasn't a concern. Ben couldn't understand that I wasn’t ready to start worrying about whether it would happen again. That wasn’t important yet. I stilll needed to deal with the fact that it happened at all.
It was 18 months of being sick before I could begin to heal. And this blog is part of that healing.
Funny thing is…When Ben was caught… when he finally admitted he needed help…when he had understood that his sick world had ruined our good marriage….he felt a sense of relief. He felt he had healed. He felt he was starting over. He was relieved and happy and positive and upbeat and hopeful.
Me? Well my world had just fallen apart. It wasn’t over for me. It was just beginning. I had just learned my husband had had sex with prostitutes and I needed to start dealing with it. I was far from happy, not relieved and certainly did not feel like I was ready to heal....I had no desire to work on our relationship...I needed to just deal with all this new information.
My whole world had turned upside down. While Ben felt a cloud was gone ....I felt like my past was just a farce. I felt like my present was pure hell and I felt like the future was hopeless. I felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under me and there was nothing to stand on.
Ben was remorseful and realized how sick he was. He was humiliated and torn down to his nothingness. He was determined to fight back to get me back in his life, and he was patient along the way.
Although Ben was willing to take ownership in my destruction, he had a harder time understanding the fact that it would take so long for me to heal.
He knew his problems were over, he just couldn’t fully understand the concept that mine were beginning. He felt the evilness was gone and now we could work on a great marriage. And we did have a better marriage, but still, I was drowning...my healing couldn’t possibly start yet.
My Healing? Are you kidding? I wasn’t ready to heal. I hadn’t even had a chance to be sick yet. I needed to be sick. I needed to be depressed. The loss of trust and the loss of my self esteem were overwhelming. The feeling of losing my past was crippling. I was just in the beginning of my illness. I couldn't begin to think about healing yet. I needed to play out the sickness and the hurt, and Ben had to learn to let me.
Ben kept promising me it would never happen again. The words were meaningless to me. Unimportant. What did I care if it never happened again? That wasn't a concern. Ben couldn't understand that I wasn’t ready to start worrying about whether it would happen again. That wasn’t important yet. I stilll needed to deal with the fact that it happened at all.
It was 18 months of being sick before I could begin to heal. And this blog is part of that healing.
Jan 14, 2009
14. Reasons for His Underworld Life of Sex Addiction
His Reasons:
I forgave Ben but I had an overwhelming desire to understand all of this. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to understand it all. I am still trying but I doubt I ever will.
He has shared his confusion and his reasons with me as best as he can.
I will not discuss his reasons here. They are not important to my healing and my forgiving. They were HIS reasons. And he had his own hell. As bad as his hell was, there were a million good ways he could have handled it and to me this was the worst. He could have killed me like some men do to their wives….but honestly I believe this was worse. Sounds crazy, but that is how I feel.
I forgave Ben but I had an overwhelming desire to understand all of this. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to understand it all. I am still trying but I doubt I ever will.
He has shared his confusion and his reasons with me as best as he can.
I will not discuss his reasons here. They are not important to my healing and my forgiving. They were HIS reasons. And he had his own hell. As bad as his hell was, there were a million good ways he could have handled it and to me this was the worst. He could have killed me like some men do to their wives….but honestly I believe this was worse. Sounds crazy, but that is how I feel.
Jan 13, 2009
13. I am the Despised Woman
Walk A Mile in The Shoes of Those I Least Respect
I had spent a lifetime judging people that I knew nothing about. Before I had children I thought stay at home mothers were losers. I remember, as a teacher, really looking down on those mothers that came to my classroom. What did they do with their day?
Then I became a stay home mother and started looking down on mothers that chose to work because they loved their careers so much.
Before I had so many kids, I looked down on people with large families. When I had many children I thought about how little people with two children really knew about raising kids and how “overly special” they saw their two children.
But more than anything I was bothered by people like Hilary Clinton who stayed with their cheating husbands. I would never do that and I knew they had to be using their husbands for some reason. There could be no other reason to stay with a cheater.
Women who would stay with their cheating husbands were the doormats of the world. I looked down on them more than anyone.
I am humbled. I have turned into everyone I ever despised.
The reason I wanted Ben gone was because I didn’t want to be a doormat. I fought forgiviness for this reason.
My strong feelings about women like Hilary Clinton have changed. Maybe Hilary stayed with Bill Clinton because she loved him. Maybe she felt he was her soul mate.
Who am I to judge? Hilary Clinton is one of my least favorite people, but now I am now more like her than I ever thought I would be.
Everything I have ever felt strongly about has changed when I walked a mile in the shoes of those I least respect.
I had spent a lifetime judging people that I knew nothing about. Before I had children I thought stay at home mothers were losers. I remember, as a teacher, really looking down on those mothers that came to my classroom. What did they do with their day?
Then I became a stay home mother and started looking down on mothers that chose to work because they loved their careers so much.
Before I had so many kids, I looked down on people with large families. When I had many children I thought about how little people with two children really knew about raising kids and how “overly special” they saw their two children.
But more than anything I was bothered by people like Hilary Clinton who stayed with their cheating husbands. I would never do that and I knew they had to be using their husbands for some reason. There could be no other reason to stay with a cheater.
Women who would stay with their cheating husbands were the doormats of the world. I looked down on them more than anyone.
I am humbled. I have turned into everyone I ever despised.
The reason I wanted Ben gone was because I didn’t want to be a doormat. I fought forgiviness for this reason.
My strong feelings about women like Hilary Clinton have changed. Maybe Hilary stayed with Bill Clinton because she loved him. Maybe she felt he was her soul mate.
Who am I to judge? Hilary Clinton is one of my least favorite people, but now I am now more like her than I ever thought I would be.
Everything I have ever felt strongly about has changed when I walked a mile in the shoes of those I least respect.
Jan 12, 2009
12. Forgiving the Unforgivable Sin
When was it that I pushed aside the anger and the hurt and started to forgive Ben?
One of our sons was struggling the most. I had stupidly given them too much information. This son wouldn’t come home. He just kept going to friends' homes and staying until he felt they wanted him gone. Finally one mother called me and told me that he was at her house and that he needed to go home and deal with this. She was right, but he didn’t want to come home.
I picked him up. I took him to the store and bought him some fishing stuff to give him something to delve into. He had his drivers license and we got him a motor for his boat so he could take it fishing and stay busy. I didn’t want him to turn to alcohol or drugs.
And I knew he needed his dad. So I knew what I needed to do next. I got ahold of his dad and made plans to get them together immediately. But I didn’t want to talk to Ben or see him myself. I knew it was easier to stay apart if I avoided him.
I called and told him to meet us at a park. Ben was excited and wanted to come immediately. I got out of the van without looking at Ben and sat by myself by the river. Ben talked to our son and then came over to me. I wouldn’t look at him. Couldn’t look at him. He talked a while and as he walked away, I turned and looked at him.
My mistake!
The minute I looked at him I knew I loved the bastard. I understood why I wanted people to rally around our separation and the reason I would not look at him. Because the second I looked at him I knew what I had always known. I loved this man more than anything in the world. I always had and I always would.
And when did I forgive him? The very second I knew what he did I had forgiven him. It was immediate. I had envied everyone else for their unconditional love, which I thought I was incapable of…and with one glance of Ben I realized I had this same unconditional love. Ben was forgiven and loved through this all. I was just trying to deny it because it seemed like divorce what the right thing to do in this situation. Its what I thought I believed. It is not how I really felt.
Ben was the love of my life and he came home with me right then.
One of our sons was struggling the most. I had stupidly given them too much information. This son wouldn’t come home. He just kept going to friends' homes and staying until he felt they wanted him gone. Finally one mother called me and told me that he was at her house and that he needed to go home and deal with this. She was right, but he didn’t want to come home.
I picked him up. I took him to the store and bought him some fishing stuff to give him something to delve into. He had his drivers license and we got him a motor for his boat so he could take it fishing and stay busy. I didn’t want him to turn to alcohol or drugs.
And I knew he needed his dad. So I knew what I needed to do next. I got ahold of his dad and made plans to get them together immediately. But I didn’t want to talk to Ben or see him myself. I knew it was easier to stay apart if I avoided him.
I called and told him to meet us at a park. Ben was excited and wanted to come immediately. I got out of the van without looking at Ben and sat by myself by the river. Ben talked to our son and then came over to me. I wouldn’t look at him. Couldn’t look at him. He talked a while and as he walked away, I turned and looked at him.
My mistake!
The minute I looked at him I knew I loved the bastard. I understood why I wanted people to rally around our separation and the reason I would not look at him. Because the second I looked at him I knew what I had always known. I loved this man more than anything in the world. I always had and I always would.
And when did I forgive him? The very second I knew what he did I had forgiven him. It was immediate. I had envied everyone else for their unconditional love, which I thought I was incapable of…and with one glance of Ben I realized I had this same unconditional love. Ben was forgiven and loved through this all. I was just trying to deny it because it seemed like divorce what the right thing to do in this situation. Its what I thought I believed. It is not how I really felt.
Ben was the love of my life and he came home with me right then.
Jan 11, 2009
11. A Huge Loss
Ben’s Sisters
They were the ones I turned to first. We were all within a year of each other. We had married about the same time, raised kids together, gone to school together, even given up good careers to become stay home mothers together.
One sister was my best friend before I even knew Ben. My Maid of Honor.
I turned to them first. And as I knew they would be, they were there. They called often, sent gifts, drove me to the doctor, They supported me in every way.
However, something happened between us later. I could feel the distance grow. I sent them subscriptions to magazines as thank you gifts and emails trying to express my feelings…but I could tell something was wrong.
I lost two really good friends and I am not sure why. Maybe they felt let down by their brother, or by me or maybe they just wanted to distance themselves from the evil that I stood for. I am not sure.
But initially they were there for me. They were who I first turned to and they were who helped me out the most.
They were the ones I turned to first. We were all within a year of each other. We had married about the same time, raised kids together, gone to school together, even given up good careers to become stay home mothers together.
One sister was my best friend before I even knew Ben. My Maid of Honor.
I turned to them first. And as I knew they would be, they were there. They called often, sent gifts, drove me to the doctor, They supported me in every way.
However, something happened between us later. I could feel the distance grow. I sent them subscriptions to magazines as thank you gifts and emails trying to express my feelings…but I could tell something was wrong.
I lost two really good friends and I am not sure why. Maybe they felt let down by their brother, or by me or maybe they just wanted to distance themselves from the evil that I stood for. I am not sure.
But initially they were there for me. They were who I first turned to and they were who helped me out the most.
Jan 10, 2009
10. Optimism in the Midst of Evil (It's God)
10. My Optimistic Sister
My sister is very spiritual in a nonreligious way. She talks about goodness and how it spreads. She is a huge follower of “The Secret.” A book she shared with me long before my life turned upside down. My sister has stopped reading the newspaper, watching TV, listening to the radio. She is about quiet and about not allowing anything negative into her life.
She has her own blog and amazes me in that she really lives this life. She called me too, as this was happening. She said, “This may not be what you want to hear right now, but I don’t know why or how…but in time you will look back on this and you will realize something good will come of this. It has happened for some good reason that you don’t right now believe or know.”
I knew she was right. Even before she said it, I knew she was right. My whole life the quote I had carried in my mind was one by Abraham Lincoln: “An inventory of your past experiences will disclose the starting fact that everything always happens for the best.” Over the years maybe I lost the exact words, but never the meaning. And I had always believed it to be true.
My sister is very spiritual in a nonreligious way. She talks about goodness and how it spreads. She is a huge follower of “The Secret.” A book she shared with me long before my life turned upside down. My sister has stopped reading the newspaper, watching TV, listening to the radio. She is about quiet and about not allowing anything negative into her life.
She has her own blog and amazes me in that she really lives this life. She called me too, as this was happening. She said, “This may not be what you want to hear right now, but I don’t know why or how…but in time you will look back on this and you will realize something good will come of this. It has happened for some good reason that you don’t right now believe or know.”
I knew she was right. Even before she said it, I knew she was right. My whole life the quote I had carried in my mind was one by Abraham Lincoln: “An inventory of your past experiences will disclose the starting fact that everything always happens for the best.” Over the years maybe I lost the exact words, but never the meaning. And I had always believed it to be true.
Jan 9, 2009
9. Learning About Sex Addiction and Pornography
9. Telling My Very Catholic Brother
My brother is a very strong Catholic. He teaches natural planning, doesn’t believe in birth control and believes very strongly in whatever the Pope believes. He believes that religion is what it is and you cannot change it to fit what you believe.
He was the guy to tell. In no way would he think I should stay married. This was so “out there” that it had to shock him beyond belief. I called him and talked to him and was surprised again.
My strong Catholic brother and his wife were well informed on pornography and how it was affecting men in the US. They taught me a lot about this and my brother sent me videos to watch and through it all he had compassion for Ben.
He saw the pornography as the evil, not Ben. He kept saying Ben needed help. He taught me about sex addiction and what pornography does to the mind and the chemicals in the body, and feelings and the cycles men go through…like addiction.
I read and read and listened to these videos and became an expert on my own. I sent the links to Ben and he watched the videos and he read the material my brother sent, and he finally saw himself in all of this and understood his problem.
The brother and sister-in-law that I thought would condemn Ben the most were in fact the greatest advocates for Ben’s healing. They taught me strength, understanding and compassion.
They believed Ben had broken our vows of marriage. They didn’t feel we had a marriage, but they also believed in Ben and in his turning around. It wasn’t because they felt people shouldn’t get divorced, it is because they believed that the sin and the sinner are separate.
The people I thought would condemn Ben the most were praying for us!
I didn’t get the push to divorce Ben from them either. It was about forgiveness and healing and going to confession and asking God for help and improving ourselves and our lives.
It was all about FAITH. Faith in God, faith in healing, faith in people and faith in what is good.
They were surprising me constantly by being the ones to continue to talk about this. To encourage me and support me and understand that my struggles to deal with this are unending. A year after this all began, my sister-in-law congratulated me for forgiving Ben and working on our marriage. That meant so much to me. I am trying to be strong and trying to forgive, but I will never really get past this and her saying this was very encouraging.
My brother is a very strong Catholic. He teaches natural planning, doesn’t believe in birth control and believes very strongly in whatever the Pope believes. He believes that religion is what it is and you cannot change it to fit what you believe.
He was the guy to tell. In no way would he think I should stay married. This was so “out there” that it had to shock him beyond belief. I called him and talked to him and was surprised again.
My strong Catholic brother and his wife were well informed on pornography and how it was affecting men in the US. They taught me a lot about this and my brother sent me videos to watch and through it all he had compassion for Ben.
He saw the pornography as the evil, not Ben. He kept saying Ben needed help. He taught me about sex addiction and what pornography does to the mind and the chemicals in the body, and feelings and the cycles men go through…like addiction.
I read and read and listened to these videos and became an expert on my own. I sent the links to Ben and he watched the videos and he read the material my brother sent, and he finally saw himself in all of this and understood his problem.
The brother and sister-in-law that I thought would condemn Ben the most were in fact the greatest advocates for Ben’s healing. They taught me strength, understanding and compassion.
They believed Ben had broken our vows of marriage. They didn’t feel we had a marriage, but they also believed in Ben and in his turning around. It wasn’t because they felt people shouldn’t get divorced, it is because they believed that the sin and the sinner are separate.
The people I thought would condemn Ben the most were praying for us!
I didn’t get the push to divorce Ben from them either. It was about forgiveness and healing and going to confession and asking God for help and improving ourselves and our lives.
It was all about FAITH. Faith in God, faith in healing, faith in people and faith in what is good.
They were surprising me constantly by being the ones to continue to talk about this. To encourage me and support me and understand that my struggles to deal with this are unending. A year after this all began, my sister-in-law congratulated me for forgiving Ben and working on our marriage. That meant so much to me. I am trying to be strong and trying to forgive, but I will never really get past this and her saying this was very encouraging.
Jan 8, 2009
8. My Parents- Acceptance and Unconditional Love
Witnessing Acceptance- My Parents
I was sure my parents and family would convince me to get a divorce. My parents had been married over 50 years. They had just settled into a comfortable happiness. They were use to each other and done with the stresses of raising kids. They were financially stable and had just really grown into a happy, relaxed couple. I was sure they would not tolerate this.
I was wrong. I was so wrong. Never did they say one cruel thing about Ben. They didn’t act like it was ok in any way, but never did they act like I was in a place where it had to be over.
I know they had to have lost a lot of respect in Ben. They couldn’t have liked how this was impacting their daughter. But it was never about this that they talked. They talked about how he was a good guy and the father of our kids. I asked flat out, “I can’t possibly forgive this, can I? If it had gone on for years? I can’t let this go can I?” Never was I given a sign that they thought it should be over without our trying to get help and get through it.
So much of our past ran through my mind: Our teens….this goofy, gawky teenage boy who always was growing unkempt facial hair somewhere. How would I have felt if my daughter was dating a guy like him? His parents were divorced and they never had any money. His father had mental health issues and was a social misfit. They didn’t judge Ben for any of this.
In fact my parents loved his mother. She married too young, had children too young and married the wrong man twice. They didn’t care. They liked her. She was an amazing woman, a hard worker, a pleasant person and an optimist. They liked her for her goodness.
And 25 years ago, when Ben asked my father if he could marry me, he had no job. And our first three years he didn’t make much money. They never acted like they doubted Ben for a minute. I wonder if I could do the same with my own daughter.
I came to realize, my parents were amazing people. They don’t judge. In all this time they never said a negative thing about Ben. Not about how he appeared with the beards and mustaches. Never about not having a job, Never about how he made so little money. Never about him coming from a divorced family or having a father who never had a job. None of this.
They always believed in Ben. My father would congratulate and encourage Ben in his constant career changes. While most men from my father's generation would look down on Ben for changing jobs so frequently, my father appreciated his ability to constantly get better jobs. He admired Ben for his ability to succeed.
Now they had heard what Ben had done, and I was witnessing acceptance again. My parents are heroes to me for that. This is unconditional love. Something I was incapable of.
I was sure my parents and family would convince me to get a divorce. My parents had been married over 50 years. They had just settled into a comfortable happiness. They were use to each other and done with the stresses of raising kids. They were financially stable and had just really grown into a happy, relaxed couple. I was sure they would not tolerate this.
I was wrong. I was so wrong. Never did they say one cruel thing about Ben. They didn’t act like it was ok in any way, but never did they act like I was in a place where it had to be over.
I know they had to have lost a lot of respect in Ben. They couldn’t have liked how this was impacting their daughter. But it was never about this that they talked. They talked about how he was a good guy and the father of our kids. I asked flat out, “I can’t possibly forgive this, can I? If it had gone on for years? I can’t let this go can I?” Never was I given a sign that they thought it should be over without our trying to get help and get through it.
So much of our past ran through my mind: Our teens….this goofy, gawky teenage boy who always was growing unkempt facial hair somewhere. How would I have felt if my daughter was dating a guy like him? His parents were divorced and they never had any money. His father had mental health issues and was a social misfit. They didn’t judge Ben for any of this.
In fact my parents loved his mother. She married too young, had children too young and married the wrong man twice. They didn’t care. They liked her. She was an amazing woman, a hard worker, a pleasant person and an optimist. They liked her for her goodness.
And 25 years ago, when Ben asked my father if he could marry me, he had no job. And our first three years he didn’t make much money. They never acted like they doubted Ben for a minute. I wonder if I could do the same with my own daughter.
I came to realize, my parents were amazing people. They don’t judge. In all this time they never said a negative thing about Ben. Not about how he appeared with the beards and mustaches. Never about not having a job, Never about how he made so little money. Never about him coming from a divorced family or having a father who never had a job. None of this.
They always believed in Ben. My father would congratulate and encourage Ben in his constant career changes. While most men from my father's generation would look down on Ben for changing jobs so frequently, my father appreciated his ability to constantly get better jobs. He admired Ben for his ability to succeed.
Now they had heard what Ben had done, and I was witnessing acceptance again. My parents are heroes to me for that. This is unconditional love. Something I was incapable of.
Jan 7, 2009
7. Telling Others About Our Problems
It was important for me to tell my kids and my family. It was important for several reasons...most bad reasons.
I told my kids because I felt guilty. Their lives were about to be turned upside down and I felt I was to blame for this. It was me who was sending their father away. I selfishly wanted them to understand who was to blame . I wanted them to know that I was a victim as much as they were.
I also wanted to hurt Ben. There is no denying this either. I wanted to humiliate him and show how sick he was. I wanted to ruin his reputation with them forever. And unfortunately maybe I have.
I told my family for a different reason. By the time I told them I didn’t care about humiliating him any more. I was done with that . I told my family because I thought if I told them they would keep me from going back to him. I thought they would stop me from being so foolish and needy and going back.
I thought they would rally behind me and push me to move on to life without him. I wanted them to remind me how unforgivable this was and how I could never go back. He was the in-law doing the unforgivable to their daughter and sister. What I learned, however, is how amazing my family is. How forgiving, how optimistic and how compassionate they are.
I told my kids because I felt guilty. Their lives were about to be turned upside down and I felt I was to blame for this. It was me who was sending their father away. I selfishly wanted them to understand who was to blame . I wanted them to know that I was a victim as much as they were.
I also wanted to hurt Ben. There is no denying this either. I wanted to humiliate him and show how sick he was. I wanted to ruin his reputation with them forever. And unfortunately maybe I have.
I told my family for a different reason. By the time I told them I didn’t care about humiliating him any more. I was done with that . I told my family because I thought if I told them they would keep me from going back to him. I thought they would stop me from being so foolish and needy and going back.
I thought they would rally behind me and push me to move on to life without him. I wanted them to remind me how unforgivable this was and how I could never go back. He was the in-law doing the unforgivable to their daughter and sister. What I learned, however, is how amazing my family is. How forgiving, how optimistic and how compassionate they are.
Jan 6, 2009
6. Becoming A Single Parent?
From A Team to A Single Parent
I kicked him out. He was gone, living in his car going to work during the day. I wanted him out. We had been together since I was 15. Not real seriously through those teen years, but he was a part of my life all that time. I am nearing 50 and he had been a part of almost all my life. 33 years I think I figured out. 33 years and I faced living without him.
We had dated (never real seriously) in our teens, married in our 20s, had children in our 30’s and grown apart in our 40s. It looked like I would be a single parent in my 50s. And I knew I would never find anyone else. Not looking like I do. Not at the age I am. Not with so many kids. I had no income, no possibility of a future income and I felt overwhelmed with raising all our kids alone.
We had been a team all our life. We had worked hard together to build this family. He failed miserably at discipline, but he did more than his share of everything else. We each read with the kids at night. He played with the kids endlessly during the day. He supported them in their school and sports. We were all about raising these kids as a team.
Ben was great around the house. He kept up his share and more. We were having a blast raising our kids together despite our own needs as a couple. We had always put the kids first and ourselves last.
How would I do this alone? I really had no desire to do it alone. I needed him gone or I knew I would take him back…..out of insecurities out of neediness, out of habit, because he was the only world I knew. And because my world was always “OUR WORLD” this was scary. We had created this world together. I wanted nothing to do with living it alone. But I had to. And he needed to be gone and never come back so I could
I kicked him out. He was gone, living in his car going to work during the day. I wanted him out. We had been together since I was 15. Not real seriously through those teen years, but he was a part of my life all that time. I am nearing 50 and he had been a part of almost all my life. 33 years I think I figured out. 33 years and I faced living without him.
We had dated (never real seriously) in our teens, married in our 20s, had children in our 30’s and grown apart in our 40s. It looked like I would be a single parent in my 50s. And I knew I would never find anyone else. Not looking like I do. Not at the age I am. Not with so many kids. I had no income, no possibility of a future income and I felt overwhelmed with raising all our kids alone.
We had been a team all our life. We had worked hard together to build this family. He failed miserably at discipline, but he did more than his share of everything else. We each read with the kids at night. He played with the kids endlessly during the day. He supported them in their school and sports. We were all about raising these kids as a team.
Ben was great around the house. He kept up his share and more. We were having a blast raising our kids together despite our own needs as a couple. We had always put the kids first and ourselves last.
How would I do this alone? I really had no desire to do it alone. I needed him gone or I knew I would take him back…..out of insecurities out of neediness, out of habit, because he was the only world I knew. And because my world was always “OUR WORLD” this was scary. We had created this world together. I wanted nothing to do with living it alone. But I had to. And he needed to be gone and never come back so I could
Jan 5, 2009
5. SHOCK !!!
Hating My Present, My Past and My Future
Nothing felt normal. I was in shock. I stopped looking for more information and just couldn’t believe it. It was all a lie. Our whole marriage was a farce. It was a joke. I had been completely clueless and it was all a sham. I knew our marriage was not good the past 6 years, but I had no idea this was the reason or the cause of the reason.
I felt like I had lost my future, I knew my present was horrible, but I also felt I had lost my past too. But my past was all I wanted. Something to look back on and be happy about. Every happy memory now had doubt in it. Every time that he had said something nice to me...every time that he had made me happy…I wondered if it was because he had a girl that day. Every time he was nice or smiled at me. Was he just feeling bad because he had someone else that day?
When I touched him, was she still on him? It just wouldn’t stop. Every picture I looked at I wondered if he was thinking about the girl he had chosen for the next time. I wondered if he was thinking about what he will do with her or what he had done with her.
I still cannot look at pictures of Ben without being tormented by this.
Everything that made me happy was now really hurting me deeply because it lost its meaning and it became, in my mind, a part of this evil past.
My past was gone. My future looked bad, and my present…holy cow, my present was shock.
If you have experienced shock you know it is a perfect word and it just cannot be explained. I had to think about eating. I had to think about breathing. I had to think about sleep. I had to think about how to carry a conversation. All instinct had left me. I never felt tired, I just knew if it was late I should go to bed. I never felt hungry and thankfully I lost weight. I had to remind myself that my mouth was dry so that meant I should drink.
It was gone. Anything that is normal was gone. My past was gone.
Nothing felt normal. I was in shock. I stopped looking for more information and just couldn’t believe it. It was all a lie. Our whole marriage was a farce. It was a joke. I had been completely clueless and it was all a sham. I knew our marriage was not good the past 6 years, but I had no idea this was the reason or the cause of the reason.
I felt like I had lost my future, I knew my present was horrible, but I also felt I had lost my past too. But my past was all I wanted. Something to look back on and be happy about. Every happy memory now had doubt in it. Every time that he had said something nice to me...every time that he had made me happy…I wondered if it was because he had a girl that day. Every time he was nice or smiled at me. Was he just feeling bad because he had someone else that day?
When I touched him, was she still on him? It just wouldn’t stop. Every picture I looked at I wondered if he was thinking about the girl he had chosen for the next time. I wondered if he was thinking about what he will do with her or what he had done with her.
I still cannot look at pictures of Ben without being tormented by this.
Everything that made me happy was now really hurting me deeply because it lost its meaning and it became, in my mind, a part of this evil past.
My past was gone. My future looked bad, and my present…holy cow, my present was shock.
If you have experienced shock you know it is a perfect word and it just cannot be explained. I had to think about eating. I had to think about breathing. I had to think about sleep. I had to think about how to carry a conversation. All instinct had left me. I never felt tired, I just knew if it was late I should go to bed. I never felt hungry and thankfully I lost weight. I had to remind myself that my mouth was dry so that meant I should drink.
It was gone. Anything that is normal was gone. My past was gone.
Jan 4, 2009
4, My Husband's Selfish, Sick World of Prostitution
My Discovery
I kicked Ben out and sent my kids to my mothers. Then I searched for 3 days straight. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep and I forgot to drink water. That still stays with me. When I am sad I forget to drink water.
And with every discovery, I sent the information to Ben at his office where he was staying during the day. He would sleep in his car at night. He said "I won’t get a place. I won’t give up hope that I can come home. I don’t deserve a place to stay. It;s fine sleeping in the car..."
I was a woman obsessed. I was searching for everything. The more I found the more I was in shock. It was a slow process, but I found Ben was into prostitution. He was going online and chatting with potential “gals” to meet. He shopped for them on pages designed for just that. He had read about these girls, checked out their pictures and chosen one for his own.
Then he would contact them on his Noah’s Ark email account and set up times to meet. He would meet them, and pay them $300 each time. He would write about his times with these girls on web pages for other men to read. It was a world I had no idea existed. It was like writing reviews of movies or restaurants….It was a sick, sad world for lonely men. It hurt me that Ben was one of those lonely men.
SO I would send my discovery to Ben by email and he would answer it immediately. Always denying my newest finding. I would have to push it... and prove it... and then he would admit it. It went on like this through everything I found out.
This stays with me today. I can’t help but to wonder what else is out there that I never did find. Oh he did “come clean” one day with the names of all the girls he had used and the number of times. There was really no information that I hadn’t already found. I doubt he was completely “coming clean.“ I doubt he was giving it all to me. I got the feeling it wasn't that he was lying anymore... it was more that he didn’t think I could handle any more than I already knew.
And what did I know? I knew my husband had gone on these websites and done his shopping and then he actually met with these girls. He had their numbers in his contact list on his cell phone and he would call them and contact them by email. He would set up dates that often he did not follow through on and cancelled often. But he did keep some dates. He did have sex with these women and although he seemed to know it was bad, he also thought it was more normal than it is. He was sure there were many people doing this and he was using "safe" call girls. He was a sick man and I was married to him and never had a clue he was this man.
Next I grabbed all our past checking statements looking for times he took out large amounts of cash. I owned only one pair of jeans to save money. I remember almost having a nervous break down walking to my car after buying a $300 camcorder. I just wasn’t sure I deserved it. And now I realized Ben was throwing our money away on something this sick. Anger finally started coming.
But I could see my need to keep finding more trash was destructive. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I was dehydrated and I was feeling worse with every discovery. The happiness that I had felt with every discovery was becoming shock.
I was now in shock. I took every bank statement outside and burned it. My obsession had to end
I kicked Ben out and sent my kids to my mothers. Then I searched for 3 days straight. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep and I forgot to drink water. That still stays with me. When I am sad I forget to drink water.
And with every discovery, I sent the information to Ben at his office where he was staying during the day. He would sleep in his car at night. He said "I won’t get a place. I won’t give up hope that I can come home. I don’t deserve a place to stay. It;s fine sleeping in the car..."
I was a woman obsessed. I was searching for everything. The more I found the more I was in shock. It was a slow process, but I found Ben was into prostitution. He was going online and chatting with potential “gals” to meet. He shopped for them on pages designed for just that. He had read about these girls, checked out their pictures and chosen one for his own.
Then he would contact them on his Noah’s Ark email account and set up times to meet. He would meet them, and pay them $300 each time. He would write about his times with these girls on web pages for other men to read. It was a world I had no idea existed. It was like writing reviews of movies or restaurants….It was a sick, sad world for lonely men. It hurt me that Ben was one of those lonely men.
SO I would send my discovery to Ben by email and he would answer it immediately. Always denying my newest finding. I would have to push it... and prove it... and then he would admit it. It went on like this through everything I found out.
This stays with me today. I can’t help but to wonder what else is out there that I never did find. Oh he did “come clean” one day with the names of all the girls he had used and the number of times. There was really no information that I hadn’t already found. I doubt he was completely “coming clean.“ I doubt he was giving it all to me. I got the feeling it wasn't that he was lying anymore... it was more that he didn’t think I could handle any more than I already knew.
And what did I know? I knew my husband had gone on these websites and done his shopping and then he actually met with these girls. He had their numbers in his contact list on his cell phone and he would call them and contact them by email. He would set up dates that often he did not follow through on and cancelled often. But he did keep some dates. He did have sex with these women and although he seemed to know it was bad, he also thought it was more normal than it is. He was sure there were many people doing this and he was using "safe" call girls. He was a sick man and I was married to him and never had a clue he was this man.
Next I grabbed all our past checking statements looking for times he took out large amounts of cash. I owned only one pair of jeans to save money. I remember almost having a nervous break down walking to my car after buying a $300 camcorder. I just wasn’t sure I deserved it. And now I realized Ben was throwing our money away on something this sick. Anger finally started coming.
But I could see my need to keep finding more trash was destructive. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I was dehydrated and I was feeling worse with every discovery. The happiness that I had felt with every discovery was becoming shock.
I was now in shock. I took every bank statement outside and burned it. My obsession had to end
Jan 3, 2009
3. The Confrontation
Evil Happiness- Revenge felt Good (for a while)
I called Ben at the ball fields and said “Hi Noah” (the name he had used on his emails.) He pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. I was happy, I was wild in my happiness..., my heart was racing my mind was wild. Anger wasn’t there yet. No sadness, no depression….just wildness and happiness. Power…. A feeling that I finally had some power again.
The entire day I tried to torment him. Punish him. Not because of what I found out, but becasue of how he had treated me the past 6 years. Revenge! I was going to hurt HIM now. I teased him hurtfully. I mocked him. I blamed him. I called him names and made fun of everything I could. I finally had the power to hurt HIM now, after he had hurt me for the past many years. I know he thought I was angry, it would have been more normal. But I just couldn’t stop smiling.
Ben had never been cruel to me, but he had made me feel unloved and unwanted.
Now I felt like the devil. I knew what I was doing was wrong, was sick, was evil…but it was making me feel wonderful. Power. Evil power. It was good. But it was fleeting. And then my happiness blew up and my world blew up and I was forever changed. My world was forever changed and I would never feel normal again.
I called Ben at the ball fields and said “Hi Noah” (the name he had used on his emails.) He pretended he had no idea what I was talking about. I was happy, I was wild in my happiness..., my heart was racing my mind was wild. Anger wasn’t there yet. No sadness, no depression….just wildness and happiness. Power…. A feeling that I finally had some power again.
The entire day I tried to torment him. Punish him. Not because of what I found out, but becasue of how he had treated me the past 6 years. Revenge! I was going to hurt HIM now. I teased him hurtfully. I mocked him. I blamed him. I called him names and made fun of everything I could. I finally had the power to hurt HIM now, after he had hurt me for the past many years. I know he thought I was angry, it would have been more normal. But I just couldn’t stop smiling.
Ben had never been cruel to me, but he had made me feel unloved and unwanted.
Now I felt like the devil. I knew what I was doing was wrong, was sick, was evil…but it was making me feel wonderful. Power. Evil power. It was good. But it was fleeting. And then my happiness blew up and my world blew up and I was forever changed. My world was forever changed and I would never feel normal again.
2. Just Some Innocent Pornography
The Day That Changed My Life.
I remember the day that changed my life... Ben had taken the kids to the baseball field. He was being great. I would catch up later. But I sat down on his computer before it would log out from time. I searched around like I usually did. Looking for “something.”
Something to have "one over" on Ben. Something to make me feel power. I was looking for control. I was looking for reasons he was so distant and so aloof and so unable to love me. But mostly I just wanted to have some power back in my life.
If I found trash on him, I would have that power. I had searched many times, but I really never found much. I had noticed that the family computers had had pornography sites on them lately but I had assumed it was our kids. I had even shown them to Ben. He walked out of the room and said he didn’t want to look at that stuff. Never for a second did I think that Ben was the one that had actually been on those sites.
He was a “good guy.” His sexual appetite pretty minimal, and he was married with a wife willing to have sex any time he wanted. Why would he need to check out those sites? Funny thing was, if he had told me it was him, I would have gotten a kick out of it. I would have laughed. It seemed harmless from him. Heck he was a grown man. He wasn’t going to be influenced by the bad messages Internet porn sends to boys about what sex is. He was above it all. It wouldn’t have bothered me to find out he was dabbling in Internet pornography.
I came across his user name “Noah‘s Ark“” on some newspaper website. I put it into a google search and my hell began.
Wait...the hell didn’t begin yet. Actually I was happy that I had something on him. It has happiness at first. It really was. Oh I was going to put this in his face and make him grovel. It was my chance to have some power back. He had taken every ounce of power I felt, and now this was my chance to get it back.
I found that he had talked to prostitutes by email and I knew he had set up appointments. But I knew Ben. He was a coward. He would just do that as a turn on. He would never really follow through. And so my new life began.
I remember the day that changed my life... Ben had taken the kids to the baseball field. He was being great. I would catch up later. But I sat down on his computer before it would log out from time. I searched around like I usually did. Looking for “something.”
Something to have "one over" on Ben. Something to make me feel power. I was looking for control. I was looking for reasons he was so distant and so aloof and so unable to love me. But mostly I just wanted to have some power back in my life.
If I found trash on him, I would have that power. I had searched many times, but I really never found much. I had noticed that the family computers had had pornography sites on them lately but I had assumed it was our kids. I had even shown them to Ben. He walked out of the room and said he didn’t want to look at that stuff. Never for a second did I think that Ben was the one that had actually been on those sites.
He was a “good guy.” His sexual appetite pretty minimal, and he was married with a wife willing to have sex any time he wanted. Why would he need to check out those sites? Funny thing was, if he had told me it was him, I would have gotten a kick out of it. I would have laughed. It seemed harmless from him. Heck he was a grown man. He wasn’t going to be influenced by the bad messages Internet porn sends to boys about what sex is. He was above it all. It wouldn’t have bothered me to find out he was dabbling in Internet pornography.
I came across his user name “Noah‘s Ark“” on some newspaper website. I put it into a google search and my hell began.
Wait...the hell didn’t begin yet. Actually I was happy that I had something on him. It has happiness at first. It really was. Oh I was going to put this in his face and make him grovel. It was my chance to have some power back. He had taken every ounce of power I felt, and now this was my chance to get it back.
I found that he had talked to prostitutes by email and I knew he had set up appointments. But I knew Ben. He was a coward. He would just do that as a turn on. He would never really follow through. And so my new life began.
Jan 1, 2009
1. Finding out My Husband bought Prostitutes
"My Journey Out of Hell"
This was going to be my title but I always understood that no matter how horrible my life was, I was really never in hell. There were many people worse off than me. I wasn’t dying, my kids weren’t dying and no one was starving or cold. My hell wasn’t as bad as it could get. But it was as enough
This was going to be my title but I always understood that no matter how horrible my life was, I was really never in hell. There were many people worse off than me. I wasn’t dying, my kids weren’t dying and no one was starving or cold. My hell wasn’t as bad as it could get. But it was as enough
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