19. What IS Forgiveness?

Wait A Minute....What IS FORGIVENESS?

 I have come to realize forgiveness is a constant process, not a destination. But have I REALLY forgiven Ben? I know I love him. I know I am still with him....but I am questionling that I forgave him. If I had forgiven him, wouldn't I be past all this constant trauma?

We are married. We have good times and we love each other. But that is not the same as forgiveness. The more time that goes by, the more I come to believe that I cannot forgive Ben. How could I? There is no way. I can love him despite this, but his sin just isn't something I can forgive.

So I looked it up:

Wikipedia: "forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and/or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. "

Well if that is the definition, I certainly have NOT Forgiven Ben. I know I have not concluded on any of those feelings. And I love the list...resentment, indignation and anger. Of course, it does say "is the process"....so...hmmm...

The second part..."ceasing to demand punishment or restitution," I think I have done that. I think I have done that long ago.

Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives including forgiving themselves, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven

I will address the "forgiving themsleves" part in my next section.


The Oxford Dictionary: defines forgiveness as 'to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.

give up all claim? hmm...Not sure if I have. I mean, I am still married to Ben. But I struggle daily with this....is that really forgiveness?


I thought I forgave Ben when I looked at him the first time. But I am not so sure that was a flood of forgivenss. I think that was more a realization that I loved him. I love Ben...that I never doubt. . I love our past, I love every wrinkle and every grey hair. I love his sense of humor, even though it is odd. I love that he tries things even though he may not be good at them. I love that he works hard.I love most everything about him. I love laying in bed with him. I love going on walks with him. I love being with Ben. I even love fighting with him. Going through our problems and dealing with things as we do.

But I don't love the fact that he cheated and lied for years. I don't love that he put me in this life of constant struggle. That he was so selfish that he did what maybe every man would do if he allowed himself to put aside decency. I don't love how sick he was (is?) to think he should join such a sick, disgusting world. I don't love that part of Ben, I hate that part. And that part can never go away. So there will always be a part of Ben I hate. ANd I cannot forgive him for this.

Ben says he believes in forgiveness. I just want to laugh when he says that. I once thought he would forgive me if the tables had turned. But I don't think that any more. He has trouble forgiving me for much less important things. I think he would be like me. I think he would still love me, but I know he would not forgive me.

I find it laughable when he talks about believing in giving people chances to grow and improve. Or that he believes people should forgive others when they fall and make mistakes. Well, of course he feels that way. He is the one asking for forgiveness. His saying this is so laughable. He has no idea what it means to forgive something at this level. How it tears at my self esteem and my trust. He is clueless.

Have I forgiven Ben 2 years after I found out he cheated on me for so long? No...I suppose I have not. And as time has gone on, I think I have come to realize that I will never forgive this. Can I accept it happened and stay married. That is much more due-able. That is far more realistic. That is what I can hope for.

When I realize, that maybe I do not have to forgive Ben, this is when I think, maybe we can remain married. But Ben needs to understand that I can no longer trust him, I can never probably forgive him and I can never get over this. It is here forever to deal with.

I feel a huge burden lifted when I accept that I have not forgiven Ben.

Someday maybe I will be able to. But not now. To love him has to be enough. It is all I can do...despite 2 years of trying to forgive and failing and feeling bad about myself because I couldn't.