Ben is Healing but Now I was "Sick"
Funny thing is…When Ben was caught… when he finally admitted he needed help…when he had understood that his sick world had ruined our good marriage….he felt a sense of relief. He felt he had healed. He felt he was starting over. He was relieved and happy and positive and upbeat and hopeful.
Me? Well my world had just fallen apart. It wasn’t over for me. It was just beginning. I had just learned my husband had had sex with prostitutes and I needed to start dealing with it. I was far from happy, not relieved and certainly did not feel like I was ready to heal....I had no desire to work on our relationship...I needed to just deal with all this new information.
My whole world had turned upside down. While Ben felt a cloud was gone ....I felt like my past was just a farce. I felt like my present was pure hell and I felt like the future was hopeless. I felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under me and there was nothing to stand on.
Ben was remorseful and realized how sick he was. He was humiliated and torn down to his nothingness. He was determined to fight back to get me back in his life, and he was patient along the way.
Although Ben was willing to take ownership in my destruction, he had a harder time understanding the fact that it would take so long for me to heal.
He knew his problems were over, he just couldn’t fully understand the concept that mine were beginning. He felt the evilness was gone and now we could work on a great marriage. And we did have a better marriage, but still, I was drowning...my healing couldn’t possibly start yet.
My Healing? Are you kidding? I wasn’t ready to heal. I hadn’t even had a chance to be sick yet. I needed to be sick. I needed to be depressed. The loss of trust and the loss of my self esteem were overwhelming. The feeling of losing my past was crippling. I was just in the beginning of my illness. I couldn't begin to think about healing yet. I needed to play out the sickness and the hurt, and Ben had to learn to let me.
Ben kept promising me it would never happen again. The words were meaningless to me. Unimportant. What did I care if it never happened again? That wasn't a concern. Ben couldn't understand that I wasn’t ready to start worrying about whether it would happen again. That wasn’t important yet. I stilll needed to deal with the fact that it happened at all.
It was 18 months of being sick before I could begin to heal. And this blog is part of that healing.
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